theatrics

maybe one day
each of these half-written poems
may be pieced together
to create something better,
something complete

because as concrete as
my thoughts are
they never seem to come out
making any sense

and it makes me tense
just thinking about
how I might never amount to anything
and eventually I will learn
to grin at my failures instead

but for now I simply have no feelings left
at all

it is fall outside
but it is winter inside
my soul and the hole
in my heart
continues to grow
much bigger everyday

I say I keep my hope
within tomorrow

but maybe that’s just a lie

I repeat to myself
to make me want to stay
so I smoke a cigarette
even though I quit
over a year ago

and as tobacco fills
my lungs I feel a lunging
in my stomach
and I do not know if it’s
disease that grows
inside of me

or the hate
that has become me
but regardless of the source
this hurting still is so much real
that I want to scream

at this mean world
you see I wonder
often if it’s nothing
but purgatory
one that I made up in my own mind
to cause me pain

but it is all just the same
at the end of every day

I may be a terrible actor
but this life isn’t a play

 

 

 

 

 

Angela Bachmann

“Ugly”

what if I’m not scared anymore?
what if I leave my house
each morning
feeling ugly and free
and if I run into someone
who might recognize me
I do not hide

but I greet them with a smile
and a confidence that knows
I am the same person
that I was when I posted

that 38th try at a selfie

that I edited for hours
covered in filters that I cannot hide
behind in public
because my appearance
does not define me

MY APPEARANCE DOES NOT DEFINE ME

my appearance does not define me
anymore

 

 

 

 

 

Angela Bachmann

Rosary at the Altar

I just say please
won’t you be my priest
put me on my knees
teach me how to pray

nursery toy
won’t make me enjoy
Hail Marys, fuck boys
confessing my sins

hell and heaven
killing life within
did the Devil win?
I swallow his seed

Our Father says,
“day our daily bread”
but I’m giving head
so my mouth is full

 

 

 

 

Angela Bachmann

 

please calm me down

red lines run up my thighs
rub aloe on anxiety
sharp nails shredding through skin
I’m sinking in my memories
reminding me of times
I almost died but here I am
my brain keeps telling lies
my ego is so paper thin
it shatters every day
I grab glass pieces as they fall
I cut away the pain
but still in darkness death will call

 

 

 

 

 

Angela Bachmann

 

STAY

sad hearts and heavy hands
taking over my body
so I can’t even stand
talking like pain’s my hobby

you go so here I stay
screaming to a silent wall
you always walk away
never there to see me fall

I bleed and you don’t know
look behind you’re never there
feelings you never show
so I can’t tell if you care

mind numb, suctioned with hate
suffocating all my thoughts
can’t even contemplate
all my thinking turned to knots

so I just wait to die
getting through another day
sometimes I wonder why
I even make the choice to stay

 

 

 

 

 

Angela Bachmann