Reflection

skin stretches and pulls against the bones
protruding through my figure, plunging
out like a swan dive
off of the quarry’s edge, elegant and yet
haunting
because the starvation is tiring
and the will power left to fuel the swim
to shore is waning away
with the rush of the water against the winds of the land
and each meal mixed up in the blender beneath my ribs
before resurrecting to the place it once began
only this time leaving violently
between convulsions of hurling motions
as my head whips down as a finger
slips free making way
for the stream of self-hate to erase
itself from my body

only it is always there

with each glance at the slim reflection
rippling into the lake
pushing and pushing and pushing and
pushing
distorting the reality of my image and
as my figure dances with the waves
I can’t help but to believe
this fragmented, broken being
is the most accurate evidence of my appearance
that I have ever seen

 

 

 

 

Angela Bachmann

 

 

 

 

 

 

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no wifi on the plane

things to Google later –
airplane flight routes
do planes fly over big cities
crop circles
Denver airport conspiracy
how to get ears to pop
how do clouds form
air plane crashes
last time an airplane crashed
Bermuda triangle
how to tell if earth curves
what does burning fuel mean
flat earth
how high do planes fly
who invented skydiving
death count via skydiving
how do planes fly
how many lakes are actually in MN
pilot average annual salary
50’s pop singers and racism
earth population
can you die from turbulence
Borns music
is gum bad for your teeth
is gum bad for your jaw
chewing gum to quit smoking

 

 

 

 

Angela Bachmann

skinny dreams

skinny dreams
(recurring nightmare)

 

night 1:

water, water
water, water
eating air instead of meals
hotter, hotter
hotter, hotter
sweating until i can’t feel
pretty pink and
pretty poison
sleeping right inside my brain
baby, baby
baby, baby
live this life like i’m in pain

night 2:

water, water
water, water
wash it down with pills like rain
hotter, hotter
hotter, hotter
guess i’ll always be the same
pretty pink and
pretty poison
blood on my red comforter
baby, baby
baby, baby
like i forgot how to care

 

 

 

Angela Bachmann

On Being Bulimic

to vomit is really quite simple
when you normalize the feels
of the finger pushing further
down your throat to reach the meals

that you hate yourself for eating
but you couldn’t stand to starve
so you gorged yourself in garbage
until your stomach was enlarged

so commences daily actions
following three meals a day
jumping jacks to get you going
then your head whips down to pray

to the toilet as you’re hurling
waiting to start to dry heave
then you know that you’ve succeeded
and got all the fat to leave

over time you begin shrinking
but you never tell your shrink
wearing baggy clothes to hide it
growing weaker than you think

reading blogs on how to puke
but not following the advice
so you know it’s not a problem
tell everyone that it’s alright

 

 

 

 

 

Angela Bachmann

 

 

unsung lyrics

ask me if i care
sit and stare
in the other direction

this life isn’t fair
be aware
of your own perception

killing you inside
you can’t hide
from your inner demon

take life for a ride
to confide
find your inner meaning

 

(hyper—hyperventilate
too much on my plate
hyper—hyperventilate
isn’t it great

hyper—hyperventilate
too much on my plate
hyper—hyperventilate
i can
barely breathe)

 

 

 

 

 

Angela Bachmann

twenty-two tabs open

what is earthing?
500 words a day
English literature jobs
Selena Gomez blonde
fishnet outfit Tumblr
Leo daily horoscope
short report- personal profile
natal chart report
“Steps” by Frank O’Hara
ram tattoo
free astrology reports
phd and mfa students
Frequently Asked Questions
Aquarius moon
feminist print art
Manifestation Secrets: 8 Manifestation Rituals
wrap a stone into a pendant
how to make cannabis topicals
Pinterest
what you need to cross-stitch curves
Fate and Furies: A Novel by Lauren Gruff
learn how to embroider letters

 

 

 

 

 

Angela Bachmann

i am a cynic

so much so
it makes me sick
creating plaques
for winning
biggest critic

can’t seem to shake
these sorry thoughts
cemented in
my mind

i know it’s time
to stop
my somber self
keeps feeding
off of failure

manifesting
brings me
so much sorrow
to my soul

i think i was
born whole
but years of yearning
turned me
into axes

i’ve hacked off
everything that
was left
of happy feels

there’s nothing now
to live for
and abandoning
my body seems

to be the
only choice
that i have
left

(but leaving means
this body
dies . . .
maybe that’s for
the best)

 

 

 

 

Angela Bachmann