On Being Bulimic

to vomit is really quite simple
when you normalize the feels
of the finger pushing further
down your throat to reach the meals

that you hate yourself for eating
but you couldn’t stand to starve
so you gorged yourself in garbage
until your stomach was enlarged

so commences daily actions
following three meals a day
jumping jacks to get you going
then your head whips down to pray

to the toilet as you’re hurling
waiting to start to dry heave
then you know that you’ve succeeded
and got all the fat to leave

over time you begin shrinking
but you never tell your shrink
wearing baggy clothes to hide it
growing weaker than you think

reading blogs on how to puke
but not following the advice
so you know it’s not a problem
tell everyone that it’s alright

 

 

 

 

 

Angela Bachmann

 

 

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unsung lyrics

ask me if i care
sit and stare
in the other direction

this life isn’t fair
be aware
of your own perception

killing you inside
you can’t hide
from your inner demon

take life for a ride
to confide
find your inner meaning

 

(hyper—hyperventilate
too much on my plate
hyper—hyperventilate
isn’t it great

hyper—hyperventilate
too much on my plate
hyper—hyperventilate
i can
barely breathe)

 

 

 

 

 

Angela Bachmann

twenty-two tabs open

what is earthing?
500 words a day
English literature jobs
Selena Gomez blonde
fishnet outfit Tumblr
Leo daily horoscope
short report- personal profile
natal chart report
“Steps” by Frank O’Hara
ram tattoo
free astrology reports
phd and mfa students
Frequently Asked Questions
Aquarius moon
feminist print art
Manifestation Secrets: 8 Manifestation Rituals
wrap a stone into a pendant
how to make cannabis topicals
Pinterest
what you need to cross-stitch curves
Fate and Furies: A Novel by Lauren Gruff
learn how to embroider letters

 

 

 

 

 

Angela Bachmann

i am a cynic

so much so
it makes me sick
creating plaques
for winning
biggest critic

can’t seem to shake
these sorry thoughts
cemented in
my mind

i know it’s time
to stop
my somber self
keeps feeding
off of failure

manifesting
brings me
so much sorrow
to my soul

i think i was
born whole
but years of yearning
turned me
into axes

i’ve hacked off
everything that
was left
of happy feels

there’s nothing now
to live for
and abandoning
my body seems

to be the
only choice
that i have
left

(but leaving means
this body
dies . . .
maybe that’s for
the best)

 

 

 

 

Angela Bachmann

metaphysics

don’t tell me i
don’t have Free Will
as you continue
taking pills
to numb the darkness
in your mind
keep acting like
everything’s fine
saying this is
how it must be
because you never
believe me
when i start to
speak otherwise
you don’t think that
i can be wise
without believing in
Determinism

 

 

 

 

Angela Bachmann

vacation with josh

i like the quiet mornings
when my thoughts are not enthralled
in the things i could be doing
straining stillness in my brain

now, thinking in this silence
of the book i had just read
like the voice used by the author
got stuck right inside my head

still i ponder the options
limited by my travels
i have packed some pens and pencils
a notebook and my sketchpad

i know i can do yoga
anywhere that i may please
how i love such activities
when they don’t need a suitcase

and we only checked one bag
when we flew down to Georgia
but i should probably shower
and get myself out of bed

i smell the coffee brewing
feel the pounding in my head
but the silence is so soothing
that i may lie for awhile

because there’s no agenda
beyond just simply being
at this moment and it’s freeing
knowing that this is my life

 

 

 

 

 

Angela Bachmann

returning home

is it confusion
movement
in the air
and it isn’t even
the smell of cat piss
on the blanket
by the door
that bothers me
but that it’s trapped inside
used to be my place
to hide and now
i live inside a prison

when i flew
three days ago
i came to realize
how close to death
that i could be
and that thought
it used to scare me
because i was so happy
and for a long time
that was lost
but then i finally
re-found it
and yet in that moment
i was craving
thoughts of suicide
again so that i could
enjoy the ride
i was returning home

but now i turn
the air off
for the first time
in a week
and i open all the windows
even though
the screen is cracked

 

 

 

Angela Bachmann