A few weeks ago I noticed the new season of Broad City was finally on Hulu so I decided to start watching it. Naturally, I binged the whole season in one sitting and once I was out of episodes, Hulu decided to auto play ‘South Park in Español’. I have literally never watched that before (and I also don’t know Spanish) so I changed the show to something else and moved on with my life. Now ever since that day, all my advertisements on Hulu have been in Spanish.
The other day I was drinking tea and I noticed a couple cat hairs floating around in my mug. I wasn’t necessarily surprised by that because I normally find cat hair in essentially every single thing I consume, because my cats are everywhere and shed like crazy. But it got me thinking about how many calories were in cat hair, because I probably accidentally consume a disturbingly large amount throughout the day. So I headed over to by BFF Google.com and started on my research. What I found was seemingly helpful, “20 calories” it said, and I’m like ‘nice!’ you know, because I finally found my answer. But then I continue reading and see that it says “per serving” and suddenly I’m like, what do you mean “per serving”??? Like, what exactly is the proper serving size for consuming cat hair??????
While I was watching snap stories on Snapchat, I got an advertisement for how to get perkier boobs. Now, I wear a AA cup bra size. So with that being said I don’t think I have enough boob to even make perky in the first place. Snapchat has seen my boobs multiple times. Snapchat is very aware of how small they are. I am definitely insulted by this.
Alright, so I don’t even really generally enjoy hip-hop music because my taste in music is very picky. But one of the few people who made it through the cut with me is Jaden Smith. So ever since his new album came out I’ve been listening to it on repeat almost every single day. Now all of a sudden I’m writing raps out to his beats like, I don’t even know who I am anymore. Like, I’m the type of person to write sad and depressing poems about my feelings and yet here I am literally writing in my journal about how I’d rather fuck a sex toy than a fuck boy. What is happening to me.
A customer comes into my work the other day and walks up to the register with one of the many rude birthday cards that we sell. I’m making small talk/random conversation and it comes up that he’s buying this card to send to his ex- girlfriend. As the transaction is finishing up, he throws it out there that he’s also getting her a Scheel’s gift card for $200. “But there’s not actually going to be any money on it,” he says, chuckling, before making me promise to keep his secret, as it turns out that apparently I’m the only person he’s told so far. That man was truly one of the smartest people I’ve ever met in my entire life.